Remembering Liza

Domestic Violence Abuse Might Include:

• Hitting, shoving, slapping, kicking, punching, or choking you.
• Threatening to hurt or kill you.
• Calling you names or telling you that you are crazy.
• Criticizing things you do or say, or criticizing how you look.
• Hurting your pets or destroying things special to you.
• Blaming you for the abuse he or she commits.
• Limiting where you can go, what you can do, and who you can talk to.
• Unexpectedly checking up on you at your workplace, home, school, or elsewhere.
• Forcing you to have sex against your will.
• Apologizing and telling you it will never happen again (even though it already has).
• Source: WebMD (link to page)

Warning Signs

Does your spouse or significant other exhibit the following behaviors?

• Embarrass, belittle or put you down?
• Say hurtful things to you?
• Dislike your friends and family and discourage your relationships with others?
• Make all the decisions in the relationship?
• Chastise you after social functions for talking with other people?
• Act jealous of people you talk to?
• Blame you for his or her mistakes?
• Try to make you feel worthless or helpless?
• Forbid or prevent you from working or going to school?
• Keep money, credit cards, and checking accounts away from you?
• Control access to your medicines or medical devices?
• Threaten to have you deported?
• Throw dishes or other objects?
• Abuse your children or pet when mad at you?
• Push, slap, kick, or otherwise assault you?
• Demand sex, make you perform sexual acts you are not comfortable with, or sexually assault you?
• If any of these behaviors are occurring, you need to seek help immediately.

Abuser profile

Recognizing the general tendencies of an abuser

• Has an uncontrolled temper.
• Has a very short fuse and becomes immediately angry.
• Has poor coping skills.
• Can be unreasonable and demanding at times.
• Can give mixed messages... pendulum swings from loving to abusive.
• Denies that the abuse has occurred or makes light of a violent episode.
• Blames the victim, other people or outside events for the violent attack.
• Prone to extreme jealousy.
• Abusers don't act because they are "out of control."
• They make conscious decisions to behave in a violent manner.
• They are not acting out of anger.
• They are not reacting to stress.
• They know what they're doing and what they want from their victims.
• They express remorse and beg for forgiveness with seemingly loving gestures.
• Can be hard workers and good providers.
• Can be witty, charming, attractive and intelligent.
• A background involving physical, emotional or sexual abuse, abandonment issues.
• Unrealistic expectations of a relationship (to "fix" them or solve their problems).
• Isolation and antisocial temperament.
• Recklessness (dangerous sexual behavior, reckless driving, drug use etc.)
• Inability to accept responsibility for their behavior and actions, even in the face of dire consequences.
• Cruelty to children and animals.
• Threats of violence.
• Low self-esteem, shame.
• Inability to respect interpersonal boundaries, a compulsion to violate boundaries.
• Emotional volatility - fear of being "out of control".
• Need for power and control to compensate for the above.
• Abuse generally escalates when the victim leaves.
• Many of the characteristics above are documented trauma based adaptations to childhood emotional, physical and sexual abuse.